*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
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*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
barbara was highly relatable
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package