Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
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Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.