Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
You Might Also Like
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.