Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
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I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
Super Hand Dog Face
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-