If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
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My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.