Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
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8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
Tuesday
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
Still laughing at this stupid meme
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
Got him!
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about