I’m pretty like a car crash.
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I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money