[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
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Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
A fun thing to do on a first date is wear a wedding dress
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.