Beards are a privilege, not a right
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white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.