1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
You Might Also Like
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
I don’t think my car can fly
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
No. He’s not coming out to play
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.