“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
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This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
I feel attacked.
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
Meowchelangelo
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
What’s a Messi?
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied