Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
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This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.