Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
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Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.