I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
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Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times