I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
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*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
Me when my alarm goes off
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome