I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
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It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
sry
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.