[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
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I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
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“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
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No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
😂😂
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Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
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WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
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