The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
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Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
I saw nothing
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
Care for your back
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat