Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
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So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.