This is the coolest video you will see today.
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Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.