CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
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BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
A Match(.com), but for socks.
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting