Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
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[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
Has there ever been a more American story?
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.