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Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
[Listening to a song from the 70s]
Singer: I love you, girl
Me: He means girl like a woman
Singer: Yes I love you, little girl
Me: I guess he means like late teens
Singer: You’re just a child, so young, little girl
Me: Oh no
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry