[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
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The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
“You’d better run, egg!”
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.