bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
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Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school