Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
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[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
I know
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music