My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
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Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!