Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
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hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.