DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
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Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”