My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
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this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used