“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
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If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.