I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
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You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping