My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
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Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.