Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
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*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.