The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
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[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
Choose your fighter
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
Grow up never but we old may grow we
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
Air pods looking like an angry frog
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*