Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
You Might Also Like
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.