Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
You Might Also Like
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook