don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
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People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about