Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
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I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris