your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
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Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
They’re really bad with fonts.
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
what’s the point then??
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.