Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
You Might Also Like
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids