What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
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[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*