Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
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Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.