BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
You Might Also Like
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
I’ve been drinking.
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child