My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
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[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”