*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
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A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes