When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
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Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pok茅mon
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
I鈥檝e been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I鈥檒l leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I鈥檓 good
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 馃檨
Friend: can I borrow 拢20?
Me: No.
*slides me 拢20
Friend: How about now?
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
ME: What鈥檚 in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn鈥檛 wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn鈥檛 wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What鈥檚 in the bag?
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don鈥檛 study the moves of one gomez addams.
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?