My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
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“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
found this cool rock hiking today
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*