A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
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I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
Jupiter
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.