I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
You Might Also Like
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
Can’t stop laughing
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.